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The Impatient Patient

18 Jul

Well, my guest post has appeared on Jodene’s Blog. I’m not sure why it took me so long to write and why I haven’t written anything in such a long time. But now that I’ve finally started again, I’ll be writing more.

 
6 Comments

Posted in Health

 

Found the Words

25 May

OK, after almost three weeks, I’ve worked out what to do.

For those who came in late: I’ve been asked to write a guest post on someone else’s blog. Now it’s not just any blog, it’s a special blog – Jodene’s “Project Me” blog. Jodene has written a post every day for the past 507 days. She has a ton of followers, she writes “With courage, consciousness & a sense of humour”, and she’s been a real inspiration to me in my little blogging adventure. But I haven’t been able to work out how to condense my story down to one thousand words.

Well, I now know what I’m going to do, and I’ve already started. I’m not going to tell my whole “cancer story”; instead, I’m going to write about the frustration of being a cancer patient. There’s been a lot written about the pain, the suffering, the trauma, and the horrors – and I certainly don’t underestimate them. But I haven’t read much about the frustration, the niggly little annoyances, the silly thoughts you have, and the mind-numbing conversations you find yourself participating in.

So, stand by for my post – The Impatient Patient – coming up soon…..

 
5 Comments

Posted in Health

 

Lost for Words…… Not!

07 May

I have an interesting dilemma.  I’ve been asked to tell my “Cancer story” (sounds good, doesn’t it?) as a guest post on someone else’s blog.  Great, eh?  Well you’d think so….  And it’s not that I’m not excited as all hell to be guest posting, and it’s on a blog that has lots of readers, and it’s a terrific opportunity to get more exposure, and all that.  But…. I have to do it in around 1,000 words.  Gobsmacked!!!!

So far, the story as I’ve written it here, is around 7,000 words – and it’s not completely finished either.  So, that’s my dilemma.

  1. How do I condense seven to eight thousand words down to one thousand?  Don’t know.
  2. What do I leave out? No idea!
  3. Do I do it dryly without the humour? No, that’s what attracted people in the first place!
  4. Do I even try to condense it, or should I just start from scratch? I don’t wanna!!!
  5. Or, do I just write and at 1,000 words just stop, you know, like mid-sentence?  It’s tempting…  :-)

 

What do I do, everyone?  HELP!!!  I would really like some suggestions, particularly from those of you who are writers, but also from everyone else.

So what would you do if you were me?  What suggestions do you have?  What advice do you have for me?  What wisdom can you impart?  Please leave me a comment – I value your input!

 
3 Comments

Posted in Health

 

Footy? Do wut? Y’all Aussies Sure Do Talk Funny!!

06 Apr

A Glossary of Terms

After posting the previous article, I received two emails.  One was from my father saying It’s all very interesting (I presume) … [but] …  I’ll have to take up the study of Greek”.  The other was from one of my Texas friends and simply said “Huh?  Do wut?”  So, to take care of all of my overseas readers as well as some local non-followers of footy (apparently some do exist in Melbourne), I have created a glossary explaining the terms used in that article.

 

B&F – Best and Fairest, each club’s MVP award; the “fairest” is a carry-over from a more genteel time and is completely ignored in today’s football.

Big Nick, Big John – John Nicholls, a Carlton player of the 1950s, 60s, and 70s, with thighs the size of tree trunks, and an icy stare; captained and coached the club; an official AFL Legend and the best player I’ve seen.

Brownlow (Medal) – the AFL’s MVP award, voted on by the umpires (referees) which makes it pretty irrelevant but has evidently not diminished its prestige.

Carlton – The Blues, a football club founded in 1864 and the most successful in AFL history; MY team.

City Square – A large meeting place in downtown Melbourne that seems to have been used mainly for political protests; it’s probably not even a square.

Dermie – Dermot Brereton, a brilliant forward for Hawthorn Football Club in the 1980s and 90s who was renowned for playing well in big games; and is pretty much hated by all opposition fans.

Draft – conscription for military service introduced in the Vietnam War era and abolished by Whitlam in 1972 on the evening he was elected Prime Minister, much to my (and my mother’s) relief.

End of the Penny Section – the end.  In the old days, tram (trolley) conductors would yell this out signifying the end of a zone (or section), and passengers would have to pay another penny to stay on the tram as it entered the new zone; equivalent to “that’s all she wrote”.

Finals – playoffs.

Flag – Premiership, because the winning team receives a giant pennant as well as a big cup.

Footy – (Australian Rules) football; the obvious Aussie slang word for it!

Fraser – Maclolm Fraser, leader of the conservative Liberal Party Opposition from June 1975, and then Prime Minister 1975–1983; became a lefty when it didn’t matter any longer.

Full forward – the player at the deepest offensive post, the main scorer of goals; some recently have been very offensive, if you know what I mean.

Goal – the major score in a footy game worth six points; kicking the ball through the big sticks, which elicits the goal umpire making a very serious face, pointing two fingers, and waving two white flags.

Gough – Edward Gough Whitlam, Australian Labor Prime Minister 1972–1975.

Grand Final – the last game of the year in which the premiership is decided, equivalent to the Super Bowl; the biggest day of the Aussie sporting calendar, it’s attended by over 100,000 people and watched on TV by everyone else.

Great South Aussies – Kernahan, Bradley, Motley, and Naley, four champions from South Australia who were “induced” to come to Carlton in the mid-1980s; the salary cap and the (national player) draft were probably introduced as a reaction to Carlton’s “cheque book” recruiting.

Harmesy, Johno, Sheldon, Buckley – great Carlton players from the next era, the 1980s.

HSC – Higher School Certificate, name of High School graduating certificate in Victoria 1970-1986.

It’s Time – campaign slogan of the Australian Labor Party in the 1972 federal election, which they won gaining power after having been in opposition for 23 years.

Jezza – Alex Jesaulenko, a Carlton champion of the 1960s and 70s, who could perform mercurial and magical feats in the air and on the ground; an official AFL Legend.

Kerr – Sir John Kerr, Australian Governor-General who sacked Whitlam in 1975, prompting Whitlam to utter his famous line “Well may we say ‘God Save the Queen, because NOTHING will save the Governor-General’.

Living in the Seventies – Hit single and most famous album by the Australian rock band Skyhooks.

(High) Mark – Australian football’s spectacular catching of the ball, often after leaping with one’s knees or feet atop another player’s shoulders.

Parko – David Parkin, Carlton coach 1981-1985 and again 1991-2000; coached the club to three premierships and introduced much of the modern pretentious football jargon.

Premiership – The ultimate prize, equivalent to the Super Bowl trophy.

Ruckman – the tall player (from 6’6” to 6’11”) who goes up for the centre bounce at the beginning of a game.

Rhys – David Rhys-Jones, a volatile but skilful Carlton player who won the 1987 Norm Smith (a medal awarded to the MVP in the grand final), by surprisingly lining up on the bigger and more fancied Dermot Brereton and handing him a football lesson.

Sack of Spuds – a bag of potatoes; you go down like one when you’re knocked out.

September – the month of the finals; synonymous with the finals.

Shirtfront – to bump another player with one’s hip and shoulder full force in the chest and with great ferocity; gradually being legislated out of the game by the social engineers at the AFL.

Skyhooks – Australian rock band whose heyday was in the 1970s, and whose lead singer was a man named Shirley, and he was serious!

St. Kilda – Another Melbourne suburban football club with very little success over the years; perennial losers.

Swanny – David McKay, a Carlton player of the 1960s, 70s, and 80s, who was said to be so graceful in taking a high mark, that he resembled a swan.

Talls, Smalls, Corridors – modern football jargon introduced by David Parkin; pretentious way of speaking about simple football notions.

Uni – University; what else?

VCE – Victorian Certificate of Education, name of High School graduating certificate in Victoria since 1987.

Victoria Park – traditional home of the Collingwood Football Club (the old enemy), Carlton’s oldest and fiercest rival; inhabited by toothless ferals.

Wallsy – Robert Walls, a Carlton player of the 1960s and 70s, who captained and later coached the club to a Premiership – one of my two favourite players as a teenager.

1970 Grand Final – Carlton played against its traditional rival Collingwood and engineered the biggest grand final comeback in history clawing back a 44 point half-time deficit to win by 10 points; considered the day that modern football began.

 

 

What do you think?  If you’re not a footy fan, please let me know if it was useful.  If you are, please let me know if it was accurate.

 
6 Comments

Posted in Sports

 

Living in the Seventies

04 Apr

This is a post that was published in The Blueseum - a site devoted to the history and cultural identity of the Carlton Football Club.  For my overseas readers, “footy”refers to Aussie Rules (or AFL) football, a game that started out in the 19th Century as tribal, suburban-based competitions in the Southern states of Australia, and has been known to ignite the passions of otherwise rational beings.  I will do a follow-up post for you with a glossary of fairdinkum footy terms and what they mean.

 

Everyone has his or her era.  I don’t mean their fantasy era, which for me, and lots of my friends, would be the sixties.  We all like to think that the sixties R us.  You know: hippies, yippies, revolution, Vietnam, etc., etc.  But for my age group, it was really the seventies.

I turned 17 in March 1970.  I did my HSC (as VCE was then called) in 1970.  I went to Uni all through the seventies (1971 through 1981 actually).  I started dating Helene in 1971 (yep this is our 40th year together).  Most of my favourite music is from the seventies – Dylan at his best, Springsteen, Leonard Cohen, The Clash, yes and even Skyhooks (he ducks for cover).

And then there was the politics.  I remember the “It’s Time” campaign, cheering for Gough, cheering with my mates that we avoided the draft … legally, protesting in the City Square when Fraser blocked supply in 1975, stumping up again the following week when Kerr sacked Gough, and crying when he was defeated in the subsequent election.

Yes it was my era, our era.  I could talk to you for hours, days even, about the seventies, but really, what defined it for me in my teens and early twenties, was …….. the Footy!!  And not just any footy, but Carlton footy.  And now, when I think about it again, and am finally putting pen to paper about it (after threatening to do so for many years), it is bittersweet.  I’m left both flushed with nostalgia and pride for that sweetest of times for our football club and at the same time with a feeling of hollowness and regret and thoughts of what might have been.

It is now more than thirty years in the past so some of this is probably forgotten, but we had a team of absolute champions the likes of whom had probably never been brought together before, and, in this new age of salary caps, drafts (the footballing variety), and national expansion, most certainly never will again.

Consider the following players from that decade: Sergio Silvagni, John Nicholls, Mike Fitzpatrick, Syd Jackson, Garry Crane, Trevor Keogh, Adrian Gallagher, Bruce Doull, Barry Armstrong, Rod Ashman, Greg Kennedy, Geoff Southby, Rod Austin, Craig Davis, Alex Jesaulenko, Percy Jones, Vin Waite, Ian Robertson, Mark Maclure, Robert Walls, and David McKay.  These are only the champions I remember off the top of my head.  And I’m leaving out Sheldon, Buckley, Johnston, Marcou, McConville, and Harmes because they came at the end of the decade.

No, we had the champions.  And they could do anything.  Nicholls was probably the best ruckman in the history of the game – certainly the best I’ve seen.  Five B&Fs speaks for itself as well as a triple premiership captain.  Fitzpatrick was a triple premiership player, captaining the club in two of them, and as fine a pressure player as you’ll find.  Jezza was a 100-goal full forward, came third in the Brownlow as a half forward, then again as a centreman, then again as a half back.  McKay was the most consistent high mark I’ve ever seen, and although erratic in front of goals, never missed one in a pressure game.  Southby won B&Fs in his first two years.  Walls was the prototype of the modern centre half forward who kicked 6 goals in a best afield performance in the 1972 grand final, and kicked 10 from full forward in a game against Richmond.  Craig Davis was mercurial until he was injured.  Curly Austin could stop the best forwards in the game even though he conceded inches.  Kennedy kicked 12 from full forward in one game.  I could go on and on.

And they weren’t just individual stars.  On their day they could jell into a fierce and fearsome unit.  We flogged Richmond in the 1972 grand final.  In a game at Windy Hill in 1975, we kicked 14 goals in the second quarter (and won the fights as well).  McKay kicked eight that day.  And without going through all the records and reference books, I still remember the feeling every Saturday morning when I woke up and knew I was going to have a great day at the footy.  I just knew we’d play well. I knew we’d win.  I knew we’d probably win by a lot.  I just didn’t know which one of the champs would rise so high above the others that day.  Would Wallsy kick a bag?  Would Swanny take Mark of the Century?  What magic would Jezza weave?  And when would our birthright spot in the finals be assured?  By round ten, twelve, thirteen?

Oh, yes.  They were great days……….. EXCEPT………. Between 1973 and 1977, with these great players and this great team, we couldn’t win in the big games.  We underachieved.  We would kill all opposition during the regular season, and then crash in September.  It was depressing.

I believe that this was a massive underachieving era for our club, where we could easily have won another three premierships – especially in 1975, but also in 1973 and 1976.  But we were infected by a malaise for those five years.  A malaise that gradually got worse and worse until it almost destroyed the club.

The disease was incubated in the first five minutes of the 1973 grand final when Lawrie Fowler shirtfronted Big Nick and left him concussed after taking a mark.  He still groggily went back and kicked the goal, and we, sitting there in the old Olympic stand, we all thought that this was going to be a repeat of the previous year (where Nick had kicked six goals and destroyed the Richmond defence while Percy Jones dominated the ruck).  But it wasn’t to be.  Not only was Big John no longer a presence on the ground, but as a coach, he was not really aware enough or present enough to control the game tactically.

The virus then spread as in turn (although I don’t remember the exact order), Walls, Waite, and Catoggio, were roughly (and illegally) shepherded, biffed, or bumped.  And the malaise fully kicked in when Geoff Southby was knocked out by a whack to the head from Neil Balme.  That was the end of the penny section – not just for the 1973 grand final, but pretty much for the next five years.

I’ve called this malaise Southby-itis.  I debated whether to put the name in – it’s not meant to malign Geoff.  In fact it really has nothing to do with him.  It’s just that the whole club seemed to lose its mojo when he went down, especially with Big Nick out of it.  You see, I don’t think we’d ever seen Nick go down like that, like the proverbial sack of spuds.  For the best part of sixteen years, he’d been our protector out on the ground.  For all y’all young ‘uns, you have no idea.  No-one would dare go near a Carlton player when Big John Nicholls was around.  And if they did, then you just knew, Big Nick would get them, maybe not right away, maybe not even that quarter.  But at some point, after first scaring the bejesus out of them with that look-that-could kill, he would catch up with them, and then God help them.

Well, he was out of it, and being out of it, the rest of the team became fair game.  And although a couple of them stood up and fought back, once Southby went down, we were gone.

Now, that was the end of the 1973 season, but one of the side effects of Southby-itis was that other teams started thinking that they knew how to beat Carlton – rough ‘em up.  And they were right!  I don’t want to say that we became soft – we didn’t really.  I prefer to say that we lost our mojo.  So, we had a shocker in 1974, but returned to our absolute best for 1975 and 1976.  They were really golden years.  But the other top teams of the time – most notably North Melbourne and Hawthorn – didn’t seem too concerned how well we played during the season.  Barassi and Kennedy were too smart for that.  They knew that finals were a whole new ball game.  But we, having lost our mojo, didn’t know – or at least, we’d forgotten.  Because it was only a few short years since we’d won three flags in five years – 1968, 1970, and 1972.

So we’d finish first or second on the ladder, and then get bundled out in straight sets.  We just couldn’t – or didn’t – handle the pressure of finals.  And it really was like we’d forgotten something, because most of these guys had played in premierships – McKay, Doull, Jezza, Walls, Southby, Jones, Keogh.  But the beautiful system with which Carlton played throughout the year, the fast-running, smooth-flowing precision-passing game that looked so good and won so many matches, just crumbled under finals pressure.

After the 1977 season, Ian Thorogood was replaced as coach by Ian Stewart, and after a very short and controversial stint, he also was gone.  For us young supporters, it was a terrible time.  Here we were with the best players in the game, but no success for five years, no coach, our last year’s captain (and my favourite player) gone to Fitzroy – in short: a rabble!  It was depressing.  It felt like we were St. Kilda or something.  It wasn’t a Carlton feeling.

And then…… as if it was a last resort, which it probably was, a coach appeared in our own backyard – JEZZA!!!. I’ll never forget that first game under Jezza as coach.  It was at Victoria Park against the old enemy.  We were definitely the underdogs having lost five games out of the first six.  Well, we fought hard, we struggled, we crawled, we scrapped….. and we won!!!  And all of a sudden, the malaise was over.

From that point on, we won another twelve games, made it to the finals and even won a final before bowing out.  But it was clear that the malaise was over, the disease was cured.  And Jezza, who was such a brilliant pure ball player, turned out to be a strict disciplinarian, who hardened the team up, and gave us back our mojo.

We rocked in 1979 and won the first of our three premierships in four years.  And what Jezza had begun and David Parkin completed, was our transformation from a flashy team which could be put off its game by a bit of physical pressure to a hard and tough unit that thrived under pressure and hardly ever lost a tight game.

I have been privileged to witness eight Carlton premierships in my lifetime so far, and every single one has a ton of meaning for me.  1968 was my first and broke a 21 year drought; 1970 was – well it was 1970, the greatest grand final of them all; 1972 was just a brilliant win by a team of champions at the height of their ability (and a record high grand final score; 1981-82 were great fighting victories by a bunch of players who had grown up together at Carlton; 1987 was the return of Wallsy and the great South Aussies and Rhys beating Dermie; and 1995 was the culmination of a streak by an unstoppable machine.  But 1979 holds special significance for me.  It was important!!!  It showed the football world that the Southby-itis period was over!  We could no longer be pushed around!

And, it was the end of the seventies, the end of my youth.  I was married, I was about to complete my doctorate, I was about to become a father for the first time.  The wild days were over, and a new era was beginning.  The era of my children, the era of my working life, and the era of Harmesy, and Johnno, and Sheldon, and Buckley, and premiership quarters, and Parko, and talls and smalls and corridors and …….. the eighties!!!!  But that’s a whole other story…….

 

What are your favourite memories of the seventies? Please leave me a comment and let me know…

 
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Posted in Sports

 

Review of “The Dead Man: Face of Evil” by Lee Goldberg & William Rabkin

15 Mar

Ok, here’s another review of another Lee Goldberg book. I promise I’m really not related to him. It’s just that coincidentally, I started reading his books around the same time that I started writing (and reviewing) and I just happen to love them.

The Dead Man is a series that Goldberg and Rabkin had intended to be a TV series about 20 years ago.  Face of Evil, the first book, does indeed read like a TV pilot, and like many TV pilots, leaves you both satisfied and dissatisfied.

Let me explain. First of all, I couldn’t put it down. It reads well, and the main character is attractive. Matthew Cahill is what in Australia we’d call a good bloke. He’s strong, handsome, lots of integrity, helps those less fortunate, and basically what you see is what you get. And the problem he initially has to solve is one that we can readily identify with. Not that any of us have ever really had that problem. It’s just that you can get that if you did have it, you’d probably feel exactly the way Matt does. So you’re totally engaged in trying to solve that problem with him.

Secondly, there are cheeky little hints along the way that something a little unusual is happening here. It’s tricky, because even at the end, we’re still not completely clear that it wasn’t all just in Matt’s imagination. But you do know that there’s more here than meets the eye.

On the other side – it’s short!! Just 78 pages. And at the end, I was left like I often am at the end of a favorite TV show: “Aw shit, do I really have to wait another week for the next installment??!” But you know, that’s not so bad. I really have something to look forward to.

The way they’ve conceived this project is that they have set up a bunch of good mystery writers to do the rest of the series, and they’ll all get appropriate credit for their particular story. I think it’s a great approach, and I’m interested to see how the characters are developed by the different authors.

Do yourselves a favour, and get The Dead Man: Face of Evil. You’ll read it quickly, you’ll probably love it, and you’ll be left waiting for “next week’s episode”.

 
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Posted in Reviews

 

Get With the (Loyalty) Program!!

27 Feb

Loyalty is a funny thing.  There was a time, not too long ago, when companies valued it, but they no longer do.  That by itself is not really a problem.  No, the problem is that they pretend to value it, they make a lot of noise about valuing it, they have all the trappings of valuing it.  But they don’t really value it at all.

What they do is they covet it.  They actually want your loyalty.  They’d do almost anything to have your loyalty.  But, it’s clear that they don’t really value it.

You see, if they valued it, then surely they’d reward it.  And if they couldn’t or wouldn’t reward it, at least they wouldn’t punish it.  But that’s exactly what happens all over the marketplace!!

About a year ago, I opened a new savings account with an Australian Bank – let’s just call it Eastpac.  To actually induce me to open the account and put all my savings into it, I was offered an “INTRODUCTORY RATE”.  An introductory rate??  Yep, that’s right!  As a new customer, I received an extra 2.5% interest for the first four months!  “Only for the first four?” I asked incredulously.  “Well”, the bank salesman whispered conspiratorially, “if you call us at the end of the four months, we’ll do it again.  And, we’ll keep doing it.”

This was a pretty good deal I thought.  They say “introductory”, but at least it lasts.  You moron, Goldberg.  It doesn’t!!  After I got out of the hospital and was sufficiently recovered, I called the bank to get my second “extension” of the “introductory” rate, and I was told in no uncertain terms, that that was only for new customers.  In fact, a few weeks earlier, my daughter opened an account with them and did get the Introductory rate.

Since then, I’ve noticed this with other banks too.  Special introductory rate for new customers.  Switch your home loan now and pay no setup fee.  Get a new credit card and pay no annual fees and 8 months interest free on all balance transfers!!

That would all be OK I guess.  You have to have customer acquisition programs.  I can live with that.  But where are the customer retention programs?  Why don’t I feel the love every time I walk into my local branch (where I’ve been hundreds of times before)?  Why do I have to fight over everything when I’m on the phone with them?  Why, when they tell me something will happen, can I go to the bank on it not happening (pun well and truly intended)??

The same is true of telephone companies.  To get you to switch to them, they will actually pay your exit fees to get you out of your existing mobile phone contract, as well as giving you all kinds of discounts if you’re a new customer.  If however, you’ve been with them for, say, 12 years – fuggedaboutit!!  You can ask, beg, and threaten – all to no avail.  Existing customers are scum of the earth.

In fact, on a day-to-day basis, the most reward for loyalty I get is from my local cafe.  Every time I buy a cup of coffee, they stamp my little card, and after the tenth one, I get a freebie!!  Now that’s what I call looking after your customers!!!!!  Phone companies and banks – take note!!!

I have a theory as to the cause of all of this and I also have an idea about how to combat it.  I’ll write about those in the coming weeks.

Meanwhile, what do you think?  Do you have any examples of ass backwards “loyalty” from large organizations?  How do you deal with it?  Leave a comment and let me know!

 
14 Comments

Posted in Society

 

Aussie TV, Mum & Dad, and Hospital Baseball

13 Feb

THE ROUTINE – PART DEUX

When I left you all last time, before Helene provided her perspective and before my little wine tangent and book review tangent, I was talking about my hospital routine during those days that my remaining “good” kidney was trying to pull itself up by the boot straps. I will, by the way, keep travelling along those tangents more regularly in due course, but first, let’s return to the hospital for a little bit.

The Choice – So, it’s morning, I’ve eaten breakfast, and I’m not yet well enough to walk or do much.  It then becomes a choice between reading the newspaper and watching TV.  Now remember, I have to make that paper last for the next 18 hours or so, which is not that easy – it’s mainly pictures. For those of you who are too young to remember or are overseas and never really knew, this paper – the Herald Sun (affectionately known by some as The Hun) – actually used to be called The Sun News Pictorial. Its name has now changed. Its quality – well, what can I say? …… the pictures are better?

Morning Television – So I invariably choose TV. Morning TV in Melbourne is awesome! NOT! Remember, there are five channels. Two of them have absolutely identical morning magazine-type shows. When I say identical, I’m not kidding. A handsome man and an attractive woman anchoring, making little snide remarks at each other, all in good spirits. Another attractive woman sits at a desk on the side and is a touch more serious because she presents the news. And a number of outside correspondents present little snippets of “interesting” information about the latest diets or the latest houses which have blown away in a freak wind or whatnot.

And just to annoy us poor punters at home – or in the hospital – the shows seem to be totally synchronised with each other. When one has an ad break, the other one does too. So if you’re a channel surfer like I am, there is no escape from the ads.

Two of the other channels have children’s shows. But where are most children at this time? On their way to or already at school! So, these shows aren’t meant for those little sophisticates. No, they’re aimed at pre-schoolers. Innocent little cartoons on one, and on the other – bright and bubbly young men and women dressed in bright and bubbly colourful overalls speaking in bright and bubbly tones with constant wide bright and bubbly smiles….. and talking about bright and bubbly things like Wheels of Busses Going Round and Round and Bananas in Pyjamas Coming Down Some Stairs!

And finally, we have a channel which has good, serious, hard-hitting, and credible news ………. in Greek, or Chinese, or Turkish!!

An hour or so later, I’d wake up!!!

And so the mornings would go – look at some pictures, watch some TV, doze off, wake up – on and on. They were going to bore my kidney into submission. Zis time, Herr Kidney, you vill get better or ve vill beam more Australian morning television at you!!!!

My Parents’ Visits – By now it’s lunchtime.  I looked forward to this time because that’s when my parents come for their daily visit. This whole drama was hardest on them. My father is 82 and my mother turned 80 four days before my first surgery. Now they are pretty healthy and very fit and get around really well. But this whole thing really knocked them about. First, the suddenness of it – you know, one day we’re preparing for my mum’s 80th birthday party, the next day I’ve got the Big C and I’m getting ready for an operation. Second, the magnitude of it, especially the kidney failure. Well if it scared the shit out of us, you can imagine what it did to them.

They came every single day at around noon. If I was asleep they’d just sit there and I’d wake up and see them, and I knew all was right with the world. We wouldn’t necessarily talk a lot, and they didn’t always stay long, but it was one part of my daily routine that kept me sane.

My father, who I’m convinced must have wanted to be a doctor back in the day, would ask about all my numbers – What’s the creatinine level today? Are they checking platelets? And he absolutely loved that Hospital Hand Wash Gel thingy, a bottle of which was in every room. He’d use it every 10 minutes or so.

My mother would come in, say hi, and then disappear to the hospital cafeteria for 15 minutes to get a snack, I suppose. One day, after not having had a good coffee for about 4 weeks, I pleaded with her to bring me one. I really had to beg because she wasn’t sure it was a good idea. I finally convinced her that one little cup wouldn’t hurt, and she returned with it. It was the best long black I’d ever had, although if I were you, I wouldn’t go rushing off to the Cabrini hospital cafeteria for a coffee. It is possible that my judgement might have been slightly impaired at the time…..

The Afternoon – After lunch, just for a change, I’d usually take another nap, and then get stuck into the afternoon TV – basically old cop shows and more news bulletins. I’d also try getting excited by the Herald Sun’s daily quiz and crossword and Sudoku puzzles. Are you getting sleepy yet, dear reader? I am, just remembering those days!!

Treatment & Recovery – Throughout this time, I’d have my blood pressure taken hourly, my blood sugar taken every two hours, and full blood work done twice a day. And since I was still having some kind of magic fluid continuously pumped into me intravenously, they had to tend to the cannula – the sharp needly thingy that gets inserted into the vein and attached to a tube. Hospital policy is that the cannula has to be taken out and changed to the other arm every three days. This recannulation process could take anywhere between five minutes and half an hour depending on the experience of the nurse. It could get quite funny because with both cannulation and full blood tests, another hospital policy is that you only get three goes at it. If you don’t succeed in those three, you have to call another nurse or doctor and let them have a go. It reminded me of a baseball game and every time they didn’t get it into my vein correctly, I’d quietly whisper “Steerike One!” or “Steerike Two!” under my breath. I never pitched a no-hitter, but I reckon I had a pretty healthy ERA…

And importantly, my creatinine level did start going down. If you remember, a healthy level is between 60 and 110 µmol/L (don’t ask me what those units actually mean!). Mine was at around 450 µmol/L at the beginning of this adventure. By the time I was really present to what was going on, Marco (the renal magician) had managed to get it down to around 200 µmol/L; and every day, it went down a little further.

I also started feeling better every day. In fact, the more bored I was getting, the more I knew my health was improving. Interestingly, I’ve found this period the hardest to write about, and I think the reason is precisely because once I started improving everything tended towards routine – tedious, boring…

I still had my moments, but by the end of May it started looking like I was going to pull through!!

 
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Review of “Dead Space” by Lee Goldberg

30 Jan

This is the first in a new series of posts I will do, reviewing books, films, and recordings.  Very fitting that it is of a book by Lee Goldberg of the fabulous Goldberg siblings, who I am sorry to say, are not related to us in any known way….

Charlie Willis is an ex-cop who works Security for Pinnacle Studios. His role? Troubleshooter. Take care of problems, protect the stars, protect the studio. He has a controversial past and now finds himself slap-bang in the middle of a mystery. Pinnacle has recently formed a new TV network – the Big Network, and someone has a problem with Big’s proposed revival of Beyond the Beyond, a 1960′s science fiction show with a worldwide cult following. Who exactly has the problem, which is manifesting itself in grissly murders, kidnappings, explosions, and pissing-on-livingroom-walls vandalism is what Charlie has to find out.

This loosely, is the premise of Dead Space, a book by Lee Goldberg, originally published in 1997 as Beyond the Beyond, and now republished for the Kindle. Lee – who incidentally is not related to me – has created a world, more specifically a Los Angeles (more specifically, a Hollywood), populated by manipulative agents with murderous assistants, insane actors, weirdo Beyonders (who attend conventions, write fanzines, and wear false noses a la Mr Snork), and wannabe producers and exec producers. It is a crazy world and to make sense of it we have two “normal” characters – Charlie Willis and Allison Sweeney – who are also the moral compasses of the book.

The story is a true, laugh-out-loud farce. It takes aim at, and collects … well, pretty much everyone. It’s not a laser beam, although it is razor sharp. It’s more a semi-automatic spraying bullets everywhere, and everything in its path ends up being a target.

It’s not really a murder mystery because you really know who’s doing what as it happens. But I still found myself riveted by the story. What’s gonna happen next? Who’s gonna get it next? How will it get resolved?

Its charm however, lies in the humor. Lee is a modern wit! The characters – each one crazier than the next – are awesome caricatures of people we know, or at least know of. Yes, they’re exaggerations. But I defy anyone to read this book, and not have one particular person in mind when they picture Guy Goddard. I won’t say who because it’ll be self-fulfilling, but you watch, and then tell me I’m wrong!

And what about the unforgettable Eddie Planet (pronounced Plan-A)? Love that name!!

And the most inventive murder scene you’ve ever read, including one little piece of evidence discovered at the scene which leads to the solving of that crime!!

But what I loved the most, and in the end now has me scouring Amazon for ALL of Lee’s other books, is the satirical writing style. I literally laughed out loud – in bed, on the toilet, on a plane, at my desk – as I was reading. I drove my wife nuts with “listen to this line….” over and over. I loved the dialogue and cynical banter, often Charlie to himself. And in the end, I’m jealous. Lee writes how I want to write.

I recommend Dead Space . Go out and get it for your Kindle or your iPhone or iPad. It’s worth it!!

Oh, and listen to this line: “Eddie slammed down the receiver and stood up, so preoccupied with the surprising turn of events, he didn’t even notice that he wiped himself with William Katt’s resume instead of the toilet paper.” Priceless!!

 
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This Wine of Mine Drinks Sublimely… and on Time

15 Jan

SO MUCH WINE, SO LITTLE TIME – PART DEUX

George Bernard Shaw once said “A mind of the calibre of mine cannot derive its nutrient from cows”. Now, aside from the obvious arrogance and elitism behind this pronouncement, he was, in my opinion, essentially correct. And since wine (unlike milk which basically goes off after a few weeks) actually matures, improves, and even transforms with age, it should be stored in a manner befitting the calibre of GBS’s mind.

I’VE COMPLETED THE WINE RACKS!!!!!

Yes!! After a couple of weeks’ hard work, my wine is finally organised. And it took something. It took a number of distinct activities.

Unpacking, researching, sorting, and cataloguing – First I had to take every bottle out of its box and look it up in Halliday’s Wine Companion (4 years worth of books plus the internet). If Halliday hadn’t rated it, I’d look on any number of wine review sites and Google to find a “best year to drink by”. This was an awesome exercise because I actually learnt quite a bit.

I then put that bottle in its “pile” with others to be drunk by that year. I had piles all over the floor with little yellow stickies signifying the year, including one pile which was for “UNKNOWN”, those that I couldn’t find even on the internet.

I had two major concerns here. One was that somehow the stickies would get mixed up, either by a sudden gust of wind or, more sinister, by someone playing a cruel trick on me à la Joshua Shapiro in Richler’s Joshua Then and Now. The second was that my dogs, on one of their mad chases after each other up and down the length of the house, would smash into one of the piles and break dozens of bottles. But Tommy was very gentle, almost Fred Astaire-like in daintily stepping around and between piles and never touching a bottle.

I then entered that bottle into a spreadsheet I’d created (there’s something new). That spreadsheet can now be sorted by winery, vintage, year to drink by, winemaker’s first-born, you name it.

Calling the wineries – After the holidays, the wineries opened, and I called those who still had bottles in my UNKNOWN pile. This was fantastic. I spent a few hours on the phone with a number of people, every single one of whom was just dying to talk to me, share their knowledge, and wish me well. They really were awesome. Unbelievably, a few of them remembered me. One, Sue Smith from Pyramids Road Wines in Queensland, recognised me when I told her my name – “Oh, you were the ones who came up from Melbourne”. I was stunned. That was over two years ago, and god knows how many people come through her winery. Another, a lady at Peacock Hill Vineyard in the Hunter Valley, said “Oh yeah, you’ve been really sick haven’t you? Are you ok now?”

I could say something about every place I called, but overall I just had a great time speaking to them, I learnt a lot more about wine and how you rate it and how you can tell when to drink it, and I completed my sorting and cataloguing.

Assembling the racks – I had sourced some modular racks (CellarStak) about three years ago and I set about finding some more. After a few wild goose chases and an eventful drive to a shopping mall that seemed to be in the next time zone, I eventually got to speak to the Victorian representative of CellarStak, a guy called David who runs a Scrapbooking supplies shop which just happens to sell wine racks on the side. A strange combination indeed until you make the obvious connection: if your wife is scrapbooking, you may as well drink wine. David was also most helpful and got me all the modules I needed at a discount, plus he threw in a few little freebies, like labelling tags.

I was ready. I then spent two days assembling the racks in front of the test cricket. You know how people say test cricket is as exciting as watching grass grow? Well this Aussie summer, I can safely tell you that the Test cricket against England was as exciting as assembling modular wine racks!!!

Filling the racks – A family affair. With Helene and Sarah helping me, passing bottles to one another, using the spreadsheet in various sort formations, we filled the racks, bottom to top, right to left, in reverse order, so that they are all now in year-to-drink-by order and within that, in winery alphabetical order…… AND within that, in grape variety alphabetical order……………AND within that……. nah, that’s all!!

I’m dreading getting a bottle as a gift and having to move 250 other bottles to fit it in the right place…… but that’s another story.

 
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Posted in Wine